Exodus: The Parody!
by Jason Gaston
Summary: A parody that pokes fun at the episode, "The Exodus"


Exodus: The Parody 

THE EXODUS   
THE PARODY   
  
by Jason Gaston

The sliders flew out of the wormhole and landed on a couch that was being carried away by two looters. Professor Arturo was for once surprised at the soft landing until he discovered that a spring had poked him in the butt. He jumped up and down screaming while his friends laughed at him.

Suddenly, the merriment was abruptly halted by the sounds of tires screeching and John Denver blasting from a car radio. Just then, a vehicle driven by an old scientist veered into the street, hit the curb and exploded. "Must be a GMC," quipped Wade.

Crowding around the driver, Rembrandt took a flashlight and held it up to the dying man's face and began beckoning him to follow the light. "Now cut that out!" Arturo yelled, knocking the flashlight from his hands, "I know this man, this Dr. Scratchinsniff! I learned from him everything I know!"

"Must have been a short class," Quinn mumbled.

"The pulsar..." the dying man bellowed, "trajectory... 3.45! Not... 2.32!"

The sliders looked confused.

The dying man sighed, "It's heading straight for us!"

The sliders looked confused.

"Oh, for God's sake! The friggin pulsar is going to kill everything on Earth!"

The sliders looked confused.

"Go to my office at 1424 Elm Street and read my notes. Erk!" The dying man said.

The sliders looked confused.

"Rosebud..." Dr. Scratchinsniff said as the last breath left his body.

The sliders looked confused.

Just then, a army vehicle drove up and a bouncy officer jumped out. "You're all under arrest!" The officer yelled as she put cuffs on the dead man. "What did he tell you?"

"Rosebud...," Arturo answered.

"Before that!" The officer said, taking off her shirt and massaging her chest.

"Erk!" Quinn answered.

"Oh, so you think you're a funny man, huh?' She said, her breasts heaving. "What's your name?"

"What's yours?" asked Quinn forgetting that the officers eyes were on her head and not on her upper torso.

"Captain Maggie Beckett (no relation)," she answered, "Now, what's your name?"

Before Quinn could answer, Arturo had knocked out all of the solders around them, leaving Maggie standing alone. Following the professor's lead, Quinn grabbed Maggie and threw her into the trunk of the Army truck. After a few unsuccessful tries to close the door, Quinn got Maggie to lie on her chest. After that, the trunk shut easily.

"Wait!" Maggie screamed from the truck of the truck, "You never told me your name!"

"It's... uh..."

"Quinn Mallory," a fed-up Wade reminded him.

"Right! What she said!"

Later, the sliders when to Dr. Scratchinsniff's place and discovered that there was a pulsar that could wipe out all of Russia in just one blow. The Senate was considering a bill to warn the Russians, but a Senator from California had tacked on a bill supporting the perverted arts, so the bill failed. What the senate didn't realize was that there was a whole swarm of pulsars heading for Earth threatening to whip out everything on the planet. No boats... no coats... no motorcars... not a single luxury.

Before, Arturo could get on the phone and warn Russia, Maggie busted in with a gun, wearing the famous pointy Maddonna-Bra.

"How did you get out of the trunk of that truck!?" Quinn asked in shock.

"With these!" Maggie said pointing at the razor sharp tips of the Maddonna Bra. "Once I put this on, I gain what the army calls, 'the breast of death!' I managed to cut through the truck like it was tin foil! Now, you are all under arrest!"

"On what boobs!?... I mean, charge!?" Quinn demanded!

"Blocking a shot of perfectly good breasts on the FOX Network!" Maggie explained as she cuffed Quinn and the others, "Do you realize 14,000,000 teen-age boys changed the channel when you threw me in that truck?" she said as she bent over in front of the camera trying to boost the ratings.

Maggie and several of her goons dragged the sliders to a top-secret army base in the middle of town. There they met Maggie's boss. "This is Col Rickman," Maggie said as cordially as it was possible with her.

"A pleasure," Arturo said.

"Oh, for me too," Rickman answered.

"That's what I ment," Arturo quaffed.

Rickman scowled, "Don't make jokes at MY expense professor! Blocking a gracious boob shot carries serious weight on the FOX network!"

Just then, a man a wheelchair appeared on the top of the stairs, "Col. Rickman! Wait! Whoa! AHHHHHHHH!!!" He screamed as he tumbled head first down the stairs.

"Oh my god!" Wade screamed as she ran to the man and what was left of his wheelchair, "Are you ok?"

"Yeah...," The man answered, "That happens all the time. Col. Rickman won't make this base handicap-friendly like he's supposed to!"

"We don't have the resources for ramps and Braille signs, Dr. Jenson!" Rickman yelled - completing his evil personae- "The government is killing us with their cutbacks!"

"You're supposed to be cutting back on MILITARY EQUIPMENT!!!" Jensen argued.

"Do you have a reason to be here or are you just here to annoy me Doctor?" Rickman asked.

"Both!" Jensen answered, "Quinn, is this a sliding timer?"

"No, that's a cel-phone," Quinn replied.

Jensen put the cel-phone back in his pocket and retrieved the timer. "Is THIS a timer?"

"Uh, yeah. Can we have it back?"

Jenson quickly cradled the timer like a newborn baby, "I've been trying to develop sliding for years! I can make a wormhole, but whenever I put someone into it, they come out acting like Jerry Lewis!" he said as a man stumbled by and yelled, "NICE LAY-DEE!!!"

Quinn was about to say something, but then decided not to.

"Wasn't Col. Rickman in a band?" Wade asked Maggie.

"The Who," Maggie answered.

"Col. Rickman! Wasn't he in a band?"

"Who"

"Col. Rickman! Is that silicon affecting your brain!?"

"Ladies," Professor Arturo interrupted before Maggie could kill Wade, "Kindly shut up."

A light bulb appeared over Jenson's head. "Quinn, if you help me develop sliding and evacuate as many people off the base as possible, Col. Rickman will surely let you go."

Quinn looked at Rickman, "You will?"

"I will, and don't call me Shirley."

Quinn then looked at Maggie again, "You seem to be looking at Dr. Jenson with the loving eyes that I have only seen a wife look upon her husband with."

"That's because Dr. Jenson is my husband. I kept my last name to show that I'm strong and independent and unable to get new stationary," Maggie answered.

"So you love him?" Quinn asked remembering Maggie's look.

"No, not really... I just have something in my eye."

Later that day, Rembrandt was walking along the base perimeter when he ran into a cute little kid.

"What's your name little boy?" Rembrandt asked, trying to sound as much like Mr. Rogers as humanly possible.

"Malcolm Eastman," The kid answered.

"Malcom?"

"No, Malcolm. You left out the second "L"," Malcolm said impatiently.

"You seem a little down in the dumps Malcolm," Rembrandt said changing the subject as fast as he could.

"Yeah, well... My mama was found passed out at her post last night and now she's in a coma."

"A coma?" Rembrandt repeated in shock, "How odd!"

"Not really, there are a lot of unexplained comas on this base for some reason, but Col. Rickman says that it's nothing to worry about."

"Yeah well, I'm sure your mom will be fine." Rembrandt said comforting the young child. "And if she's not I'm sure you can manage to care for her year after year after year as she slowly withers away into a hollow shell of herself unable to speak or go to the bathroom by herself."

Malcolm collapsed in a fit of tears and crying in Rembrandt's arms.

"There... there...," Rembrandt said softly, "I wouldn't start crying until she develops those huge bed sores."

Back in the lab, Quinn and Dr. Jenson finally perfect Jenson's sliding device.

"I guess now we have to scout out a suitable parallel world to colonize," Maggie said taking off her jacket to reveal a tight white shirt.

"Why should I go with you?" Quinn asked trying to sound sarcastic.

Arturo nudged Quinn's side with his elbow, "When that white shirt becomes drenched with perspiration, it will become see-through."

"Let's go!" Screamed Quinn as he snatched the timer away from Jenson and shoved Maggie through the wormhole.

Later that day, Rickman cornered Wade. "Miss Welles," he began, "I want you to make a list of the 400 most qualified people on the base to take to the new world."

Wade was confused. "I'm confused," she said, "why do you want me to do that for?"

"Because," he explained, "despite the fact that we have thousands of qualified and highly trained soldiers on this base, I feel that you, a stranger from another universe, are the only person I can trust."

"Okey-dokey!" Wade said.

Meanwhile, on a parallel world, Quinn and Maggie take refuge in a cave from a fifty foot O.J. Simpson playing golf and "looking for the real killers."

"My god," Maggie whispered to Quinn who wasn't paying attention, "What is that?"

Further down the tunnel, a giant rabbit was staring at them.

"It looks like a giant rabbit staring at us," Quinn offered.

Maggie began walking towards the bunny with her arm outstretched. "I wouldn't do that if I were you," Quinn cautioned.

"Yeah, well, if you were me you'd spend all day staring at your chest," Maggie retorted.

Suddenly, the bunny growled at Maggie who began jumping up and down for no reason. "It's going to eat me!" she screamed.

"Oh no! I have to save that poor rabbit!" Quinn yelled as he grabbed Maggie and activated his wormhole.

Back in the lab, Quinn and Maggie arrived.

Rickman marched right up to the two as a giant bunny head came out of the wormhole, grabbed a pair of nameless soldiers and went back in, "Well, what did you find? Is it a habitable world?"

"Hardly," Maggie said as she continued to breath hard and fog up the camera lens, "There was nothing but giants on that world. I think we have to try again."

"That's amazing!" Rickman exclaimed.

"What? The giants?" Maggie asked.

"No, the fact that you can think!"

Maggie ignored him as they re-activated the wormhole and jumped back in. Rickman smirked as he strolled off humming "My Generation."

Meanwhile, Rembrandt ran into Malcolm again.

"Watch where you're going!!!" Malcolm yelled as Rembrandt picked him up off of the floor.

"Sorry," Rembrandt apologized, "Say, Malcolm, you look even sadder than yesterday. What's happened now?"

"My dad..." Malcolm explained as tears began rolling down his face, "He's in a coma."

"Oh, that's a shame," Rembrandt said sympathetically, "now who's going to pay the rent?"

Malcolm collapsed into Rembrandt's arms again, sobbing uncontrollably. "There, there... I'm sure that someone with adopt you. Like that red- headed lady in _The Rescuers_!"

Later, Quinn and Maggie popped out onto another world. "Wow!" Quinn exclaimed, "This looks like my house!" Quinn ran to the gate and pulled it open until it squeaked. "HA!!!" He yelled, "The test worked! I'm home!"

Suddenly, Quinn's mom appeared on the front porch with a corn-cob pipe and a shotgun. "Who's out there!?" She demanded. Suddenly, she saw Quinn, "Quinn? Is that you? Who's this? You ran off and got married didn't you? You bastard!" She began hitting Quinn with the back of her hand.

"No mom," Quinn explained, "I've spent the last year sliding around parallel worlds with my Physics professor, a co-worker, and a washed up Motown singer."

"Uh-huh..." Quinn's mom said with more that a little sarcasm, "And who is the silicon life-form?"

"My name's Maggie Beckett"

Quinn's mom shook Maggie's hand, "Oh, like _Quantum Leap_?"

"Not really, I never could understand that show."

Suddenly, Quinn cut a huge thunderous fart that knocked Maggie unconscious. "Oh god! We've got to get her to a hospital!" Quinn yelled as he threw Maggie over his shoulder and bounded to a car.

At the hospital, Maggie continued to choke and the life began to drain from her eyes. "I've got to get her out of here!" Yelled Quinn as he knocked several nurses and elderly invalids out of his way.

Quinn activated the wormhole and threw Maggie over his shoulder again. He activated the wormhole as he head-butted a man in a wheelchair. "Don't touch my room mom!" He screamed as he leaped into the red vortex.

"And what if I already did!?" Quinn's mom screamed back at him as she developed hives on her face that spelled out "To Be Continued."

Back on the base, Quinn arrived carrying Maggie. "What the hell did you do to my wife!?" Jensen demanded.

"We found Earth Prime!" Quinn explained to Arturo completely blocking out Jensen, "Maggie can't breathe there, it... uh... er... must be something in the air."

Later, Rembrandt and Wade met up with Quinn. "Is it true!?" Wade asked.

"Yes, we found Earth Prime!" Quinn answered.

Wade looked confused, "I was going to ask if it was true that you ran into a six foot bunny rabbit, but hey! That's great to!"

"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go home!" Rembrandt said impatiently.

"We can't," Quinn answered, "Not until we save these people on the base like we told them we would."

"WHAT!!!???" Rembrandt said as he proceeded to kick Quinn's ass up one way and down another. He soon grew tired and walked off.

"You understand, don't you Wade?" Quinn asked looking for a little help.

Wade continued kicking Quinn's ass. Soon she got tired and walked away.

"Professor?" Quinn asked, his voice quivering.

Arturo smiled, "They will understand tomorrow when we get home." And then he kicked Quinn's ass too.

Minutes later, Maggie had recovered and was ready to go again. "Are you sure you're ready for this?" Quinn asked.

"Yeah," Maggie answered, "Just as long as you didn't have beans for lunch."

Quinn blushed as he and Maggie jumped into the wormhole.

Later, Rembrandt meets up with Wade on the base. "Wade, I need you to do me a favor."

"What is it Rembrandt?" Wade asked.

"It's something you do for someone else to be nice," Rembrandt explained, "but that's not important right now. Listen, there's this little kid on the base, his name is Malcolm Eastman. I want you to put him on the list to go to the new world."

Wade's face grew red with fury, "Rembrandt! How can you ask me to save an innocent child from an agonizing death just by clicking a few keys on a computer? How selfish of you!!!" she yelled as she stormed off into the distance.

Meanwhile, Quinn and Maggie arrived on a new world and were observing it's inhabitants. "They don't look that tough, " Maggie observed, "I think we can conquer them easily."

"Great," Quinn sighed, "I guess this is your new home," he said as he moved in to give Maggie a smooch.

Maggie pushed him away, "Quinn, I'm a married woman. I can never betray Doctor Jackson."

"Jenson," Quinn corrected her.

Maggie waved him off, "Whatever."

Maggie and Quinn activated the wormhole to deliver the news to Earth that although everyone was going to die, Rickamn's facist military superpower woud live on.

Back on the doomed Earth the army-guys were preparing to depart to Maggie and Quinn's Earth. Arturo cornered Rickman. "Col. Rickman," he began, "I believe that Dr. Jenson has made a mistake. He says that we can only transport one-hundred-fifty soldiers trough the vortex. by my calculations, we should be able to transport at least four hundred plus various appliances and livestock!"

"I see," Rickman said, "Well, file a report with my secretary and I'll get back to you next week."

"But... Col. Rickman, next week will be too late!"

"Don't blame me! Blame the bureaucratic red tape!" Rickamn yelled in a huff.

Arturo shook his finger at the corneal, "You won't get away with this!" At that, he stormed off to go tattle.

Rickman caught up with him and stabbed him with a needle. "I don't suppose you ever guessed I was the one responsible for all of the comas on the base! I need to suck out people's brain fluid and inject it into my neck every day because I ate out-of-date cheese whiz during the gulf war!"

"Get away from him!" Wade and Rembrandt yelled simultaneously as Rickman ran off into the shadows leaving a stupefied Arturo behind.

"Who was that?" Wade asked, "What did he do to you professor?"

"You know, if we moved the X-Files to 4:00am, I'm sure we can attract more viewers!" Arturo spouted.

"Oh my god!" Rembrandt gasped, "He's got the intelligence of a FOX network executive!"

Later that night, Wade and Rembrandt took Arturo to the base hospital. Quinn met them there while Arturo spouted on about canceling _The Simpsons_ and bringing back _Oops!_.

"He's in bad shape isn't he?" Quinn asked.

"Yeah," Rembrandt answered, "Just a little while ago he said they should add a new character to _Sliders_."

Quinn shuttered, "Dear god, NO!"

Suddenly, the door was locked by an unseen hand. Quinn, Rembrandt, and Wade ran to the exit but was unable to get out. "We're trapped!" Wade brilliantly deduced.

In another part of the base, Jenson wheeled over to Rickman and caught him injecting brain fluid into his neck. "What do you want, you blistering idiot!!!???" Rickman demanded, "Er... I mean, you delightful little man."

Jenson began wheeling backwards, "You... you're the one responsible for the spontaneous comas that have been breaking out on the base! You said it was because people have been watching _M.A.N.T.I.S._ on the Sci-Fi channel! You're a dirty stinking liar! I'm telling and then there's nothing you can do about it!"

Rickman then pulled a gun and shot Jenson dead.

"BITCHIN'!!!" Malcolm yelled from the hallway.

Rickman shot at Malcolm a few times, but Rembrandt's little buddy was too fast and too cute to be killed during prime-time on a show rated TV-PG.

Meanwhile, Quinn got a brilliant plan to blow down the door with a spare nuclear warhead stashed away in the corner.

After they were freed, the sliders ran into Malcolm who was still running away from Rickman who had apparently lost interest in him. "Rickman killed Dr. Jenson!" Malcolm gasped, "And he's the one who've been putting people in comas!"

Just then, Wade noticed a red wormhole form outside the window. "Rickman's sliding without us!" she gasped, "What an asshole!"

As the sliders drug Arturo to the wormhole, Maggie was directing the other soldiers through with Rickman in charge. "We're losing power!" Rickman yelled, "Go!"

"What about Dr. Henson?" Maggie cried.

"You mean Dr. Jenson? Your husband?"

"Whatever."

"I'm afraid he's dead," Rickman explained.

"Oh, bummer," Maggie sighed as she lept into the wormhole.

Rickman prepared to slide when the sliders finally showed up. "RICKMAN!!!" Quinn bellowed as he ran up to him and got his ass kicked.

Rickman pulled a gun and then fired it. The bullet moved really slow but for some reason the professor didn't get out of the way and was shot as Rickman escaped and the wormhole closed.

"Ow..." He said as he fell to the floor.

"Professor!!!" the other sliders yelled in disbelief as the professor lay there dying.

"Oooooooooh!!!" Arturo moaned.

"Are you in pain professor?" Wade asked as tears ran down her face.

"Uhh.. Wade, you're standing on his crotch." Rembrandt observed.

"Oh... hee-hee, sorry."

Arturo's face grew red as the last bit of life drained from his body, "You... blistering... Idauggggh..."

"What do you suppose he was trying to say?" Wade sobbed.

"We'll never now, Wade," Quinn said as he patted her back, "We'll never know."

On the colonist new Earth, Maggie and her troops had just began to slaughter the peace-loving population when Rickman came up to her. "Captain Beckett, I want you to construct holding pens over there," He explained, "We're going to use the natives as slave labor."

"But! Killing them is so much fun!!!" Maggie whined.

"Shut up and do as you're told!!!" Rickman yelled as he stumbled off into the woods.

Suddenly, the sliders showed up with Malcolm. All were glowing a healthy shade of green.

"Quinn!" Maggie said with a mixture of disappointment and surprise, "Rickman told me that you didn't make it into the vortex!"

"Rickman murdered the professor and Dr. Jenson!" Quinn explained.

"Doctor who?"

"Jenson."

Maggie looked confused.

"The guy in the wheelchair?" Quinn reminded her.

Maggie looked confused.

"You're husband!"

"My husband!" Maggie repeated as her face grew red and steam began shooting out of her ears, "the only one who kills my husband should be me!!! Let's get 'em!!!"

Maggie and Quinn ran mindlessly into the wood unaware of the fact that four verses one is better odds than two verses one. Of course, Rickman kicked Quinn's ass and escaped.

"Don't worry!" Quinn said in a heap on the ground, "Dr. Jenson gave us the ability to track wormholes! He can't lose us!"

Later that day, Quinn, Rembrandt, and Wade held a memorial service for Professor Arturo.

"He was a smart guy," Quinn remembered, "but he never really liked me because I was smarter than him."

Rembrandt sighed, "He was... uh... very smart. But, he never thought of me very highly as an entertainer."

Wade perked up, "He was a male chauvinist pig and keep me down because I was a girl!"

"Why the hell are we honoring this guy for?" Rembrandt asked.

"Because he may come back if the rating suck enough," Quinn explained, "Now shut up, bow your head, and look sad."

The time had come to activate the wormhole and the sliders were saying their good-byes. In particular, Rembrandt was saying good-bye to Malcolm"

"Are you going to come back and see me some day?" Malcolm asked.

"Maybe, but first we have to find Rickman, I mean, the producers screwed up the Kromaggs and Logan Saint Claire, now that we have a chance to have a real reoccurring villain, we need to follow that up!" Rembrandt explained. "Besides, this looks like a nice place to put down roots, Maybe someday I'll be back."

Malcolm smiled, "Yeah, It is nice here... Much nicer than my old Earth."

"Still," Rembrandt sighed, "Your parents died, that's gotta be the pits!"

Malcolm collapsed in Rembrandt's arms crying his little heart out.

A few minutes later, Maggie walked up to the sliders with a proposal, "Take me with you. I need to have revenge on Rickman for killing my husband, Dr. uhh...."

"Jenson?"

"Yeah, Dr. Jenson. Besides, I'm sure to attract viewers in our target demographic of prepubescent males aged 10-14."

Quinn stared at Maggie's assets, "Ok, but it's not just my call."

"NO!!!" Rembrandt screamed.

"Absolutely not!!!" Wade screamed.

"Fine, welcome aboard," Quinn said to Maggie still staring at her upper torso. "Let's go."

Quinn activated the wormhole and the sliders departed on the blood hunt for Rickman.

Arriving on the next world, Maggie spotted a man lying face down.

"Let's pre-empt _The X-Files_ with a special involving hidden cameras and bloody shoot-outs!" The man said.

Maggie's face (and a few other things on her body) became firm, "He's talking like a FOX executive! Rickman's been here!"

"Yeah, well... we can't go after him," Quinn said still staring down Maggie's shirt, "It's 7:55pm , and _Millennium_'s about to come on. But we'll find him. It may take a while and a few sweaty runs through the jungle as we battle snakes, vampires, and zombies.... but we'll find him."

[Sliders won't be seen next week as FOX brings you our new outrageous sit-com "Nanny and the Professor" staring Fran Dresier and John Rhyes- Davis! Here's a sneak peak!]

**Nanny:** Did you mean it when you said you loved me?   
**Arturo:** I did not! Now quit your whining and leave me alone you blistering idiot!!!

**THE END**


End file.
